Middle-school English teacher, Annmarie, is notorious for taking the theme of a novel and correlating it to real-life affairs. She speaks to her students frequently about issues that exist outside of the classroom. Recently, a student composed an email to Annmarie in gratitude for those discussions, stating she is “brave” for initiating such dialogue in a safe and healthy way. But Annmarie didn’t always feel brave. She spent many years in a relationship that left her feeling quite small, except for physically.

“Athlete” was a major element of Annmarie’s identity growing up. She was a competitive cheerleader for her entire life. Many of those years were also spent dancing and running track. As a college student, she stayed active by coaching her former teams. And since graduating nearly four years ago, she makes time in her busy schedule to frequent the gym.

However, Annmarie reflected on the time period when she realized that “things had gotten out of hand.” She believes that her “rock bottom” was in February 2018, after a Disney vacation with family. She recalled sitting on the plane coming home, looking at photos from the trip. There was one in particular of her standing next to her aunt, who was pregnant at the time. “I remember thinking ‘Wow, my aunt’s carrying a baby and looks better than me,’” Annmarie shared. “That was the first time I ever saw myself in a way I didn’t like. And I didn’t care what I had to do to change that, whether it was healthy or not.”

Annmarie noted that she had not gained the weight overnight. She progressively became dissatisfied by her reflection in the mirror. Her earliest poor self-image memory was while she was in college. Everyone’s been there. Who doesn’t remember the late-night food runs, endless alcohol consumption, and subsequent extra pounds? But there was more to it. A sizable component to Annmarie’s struggle was her “very unhealthy relationship” of almost five years. She was trying to manage her body weight, with the added weight of a harmful relationship.

“There was this constant, inward reflection of ‘How did I get here?’ I didn’t know who or where to turn to,” Annmarie shared. The more weight she gained, the more desperate she became to shed the pounds. She said:

“I started some really unhealthy diets. And I would go to the gym only to burn more calories than I ate. I wouldn’t leave until I did, no matter how late at night it was. I would be starving, then binge-eat, and then hate myself even more. The moment I got into a calorie deficit, I would binge. It left me feeling so much worse than when I started. I didn’t have a healthy relationship with my body, or with food, and I didn’t even notice. I would talk to people about my diet or exercise routine because I was so proud of it and thought it was a good thing. Yet their reactions were never good. Nobody was impressed. I knew I hadn’t made a lot of progress, but I didn’t recognize that it was because my methods were wrong. I was so blind to it.”

Annmarie said, “I remember when my aunt came to me with the suggestion to start running. She’s always been a big runner, but not me. Yeah, I ran track, but it was miserable. I dreaded running. It was not my forte. So when she invited me running, it was an immediate ‘no’ for me. But she kept telling me to give it a shot, and I reluctantly agreed. But I didn’t want my first run to be with her. I had some sort of ego about it. So I started running on my own.”

I asked Annmarie to discuss what that transformation was like. She shared:

“I quickly discovered the rush that comes from running and that there’s always a way to do more. I’m a super competitive person. I would fixate on my stats – pace, cadence, speed – instead of calories burned. I was focused on how it made me feel and how motivated I felt to do even better next time. And I, naturally, found that I performed better when I ate more. I started eating for fuel. I needed, and wanted, more energy so I could run. And I started seeing that I felt good after eating, just like I felt good after running. I was less tired and had fewer headaches. I wasn’t constantly exhausted from being hyper-fixated on calories. Once I made that change, I finally realized I had not been a healthy version of myself.”

Annmarie reflected on the way developing a healthy intrapersonal relationship affected her interpersonal relationships. She divulged:

“My boyfriend at the time was not supportive. He shrugged every emotion and accomplishment off. He would get defensive. I started to see that my self-improvement highlighted his personal insecurities. I realized that he found a sense of comfort in my lack of confidence. As I felt better about myself, he couldn’t control me the way he wanted to anymore. He didn’t want me to improve, but I was doing just that. He didn’t want me to do better for his benefit, and I didn’t want someone like that. I wanted to be in a relationship with someone who supported me in wanting to be a better version of myself. When we broke up, I had the freedom to make myself a better person. I didn’t feel guilty about going to run in the evenings instead of going out eating and drinking with him. I took back my control.”

A lot has changed since Annmarie relinquished her fad diets and excessive exercising. She proudly shares:

“I love to run now. I trained to run a 5k, which was my first race ever with my aunt. My biggest accomplishment so far is completing a half-marathon. And I am finally free of my calorie fixation. Now, I only focus on what I have achieved. It makes me want to do things for the right reasons. I don’t feel like I have to go to the gym, but I can if I want to. And I have the right people in my life who support me in those choices. I am in a new relationship with a man who goes on runs with me and attends my races. There’s a lot to be said about the people who you surround yourself with. I stopped accepting people who weren’t bringing positive energy into my life and taking away from the happiness I earned.”

I asked Annmarie to expand on the emotional impact this journey made on her. She shared:

“I am proud of being healthier. I am proud of doing better. The idea that I can accomplish anything has been such a driving factor for me. I look at myself and I think, ‘I did that. It was all me.’ I am the only person who can accomplish what I set out for the day. And with that, I’ve really developed self-reliance. I live by the philosophy of being your biggest competitor and seeking out to be better than who you were yesterday. I am my own coach, my own advocate, and my own spectator. You spend a lot of time in self-discussion while running. Yes, I’ve lost 40lbs since that plane ride home from Disney. But that number does not even measure up to the changes I have experienced on the inside. I learned to love myself again.”

I hope this story helps even just one person learn to do the same.

Remember: “It is not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” – Edmund Hillary

If Annmarie’s story inspired you to share one of your own, please email anothersunrisestories@gmail.com and include a brief summary. I will respond back as soon as possible to plan a time for us to speak. I want to hear what it has been like for you to have another sunrise.

Share this post!